Musical Moments
by whatswiththemustache
Summary: My budding collection of song-inspired one-shots. Chapter 2: Sometimes, memories are just too heavy to hold - sometimes we choose to let them go. If your one true love can't remind you of who you are, then who can? Fluffy Freylin oneshot, more info inside - please read and enjoy!
1. Who Am I Living For?

**Hi, and welcome to my newest and first collection of anything - or, to elaborate, song-inspired one-shots. Yeah, so I was originally just going to post all my one-shots separately, but I just don't like the idea of leaving a post with only a single chapter (it BUGS me!), so...I decided to do this instead. I wrote this a year ago, beta-free, and posted it as a one-shot called 'Who Am I Living For?'...so if your brain tells you it's familiar, that's why. =D Thanks to Naleky, who gave me some advice on just how to go about turning this into a multiple-chapter post! :D **

**This is mainly retrospect, but it's got canon whump for Merlin (in his mind, anyway), and (as you already know) was inspired by and is dedicated to the song 'Who Am I Living For?' by Katy Perry. :) Go listen to it! It's pretty good music-wise, and amazing in it's Merlin-ness...if that is even a word...*sigh* **

**Title:**** Who Am I Living For?**

**Summary:**** Arthur is about to march to his death, and Merlin to find his magic - both losing time and faith. Just a few words, strung unsuspectingly together, can bring back so many painful memories - and renew any lost hope. ****[This takes place in the beginning of the Diamond of the Day Part 1, where (****according to me) Merlin is helping Arthur with his armor before he leaves for the Crystal Cave.**** Doesn't make sense? Yeah, whatever. I needed the correct setting for this, here it is.]**

**Rating:**** T (moderately violent memories) (no language)**

**Genre:**** General / Angst**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, or the characters of Merlin…and didn't we already KNOW that?**

**BEFORE YOU READ: Listen to the song 'Who Am I Living For' by Katy Perry before/as you read this. That's the song that inspired me to write this, and I hope that the fiction and song go well together. Enjoy! :D**

* * *

Arthur didn't move as Merlin strapped the armor onto him, piece by piece. He was silent, for once; Arthur and Merlin's usual banter was extinguished by the coming storm of battle. Merlin worked carefully, steadily, with his head down; a mistake here could cost Arthur his life out on the battle field. Especially if Merlin wasn't there to protect him.

_Because I won't be_, Merlin thought to himself sadly, ignoring Arthur's gaze on the back of his head. He knew Arthur could tell that something was off. Something was missing. Something that made Merlin _Merlin;_ something that had to be present for the life in his eyes to be complete.

Magic.

And there was the reason Arthur couldn't know.

As Merlin fumbled for a moment with an unwilling strap, Arthur sighed loudly.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur drawled, playing out his King Prat voice. "You know, actually acting like a normal servant for once really doesn't suit you."

Merlin didn't look up, simply nodding and moving on to the next strap. He knew that there was no getting away without saying _some_thing, but Merlin was planning on delaying this talk – this last talk – between them for as long as possible.

The silence didn't last long. "Merlin, what's wrong now?" Arthur still managed to inject a lofty tone into his obviously concerned words. Well, that was Arthur for you.

Merlin took a breath, trying to find the right words to say. How many times had he done this? Sent Arthur off to fight with words of wisdom, all the while preparing for his own battles? Never knowing if this was _that_ day – the last day?

Finally Merlin raised his head, looking Arthur square in the eye. There was no smile on his face, no attempt at humor. "Arthur…this isn't just any battle. It's the battle of _Camlann_, the turning point of this war. The battle that decided whether we win…or we lose. And we _can't_ lose."

Merlin turned to pick up Arthur's helmet, pausing in his speech. When he faced Arthur, Merlin let his eyes remain on the helmet. "So…we have to win." Merlin looked up into Arthur's eyes, offering him his helmet. "You have to win. And I believe you can."

Arthur stared at the helmet with apprehension, then at Merlin. His eyes only held concern. "…thank you."

Unfortunately, his voice always pretended otherwise. Arthur frowned skeptically at Merlin, their serious moment over. "What would _you _know about battles, anyway?"

Merlin froze, turning again so that Arthur couldn't see his eyes. He was sure that they would betray him.

_What would_ I _know about battles, anyway?_

Merlin reached back, and every memory was as fresh as if it had happened just yesterday –

_He was drinking the poison from Arthur's cup, feeling the venom spread throughout his body, burning him, _drowning_ him; he was watching the fight for Ealdor progress, watching his people die, feeling his resolve to not use magic crumple; he was at the Isle of the Blessed, falling in agony as Nimueh's fireball collided with his body; he was watching as Arthur and his Knights attacked Freya, hearing her pain, _feeling_ her pain; he was pouring the poison into the water, thrusting it at Morgana, watching her as she drank it and choked, staring at him accusingly, and _hating _himself._

Every time Arthur suited up for battle, Merlin was doing the same; every time Arthur marched out with his Knights and his armies, Merlin was walking a different road alone. Arthur fought in the battles with swords and strength, amongst friends and allies. Merlin fought with his magic, but he stood on a different front, and he was the only soldier. He could never afford to be afraid, so he wasn't. Not on the outside.

_He was wrapped in chains, watching as Morgause walked away, leaving him to die, watching as the serkets came closer and closer, the sting biting into his back with a rush of flames and fear; he was pacing in his room, his mind tearing at itself to choose between saving Morgana or saving his destiny; he was being led out to the pyre, disguised as an old man and unable to free himself, the fear of burning clawing its way up his throat; he was running towards the Cup of Life, just inches away when he was ripped back and slammed into a hard stone wall; he was leaping through the Dorocha, feeling the ice clutch his heart with an iron grip, feeling it beckon him cruelly into the darkness._

But Arthur fought the enemies that were announced and visible. Merlin fought constantly, and he fought the things hiding in the dark. He could never take off his armor because the battle was never won. And he fought in the dark, too; he would save Arthur or Camelot or the entire world, and when he came home, half dead, no one could ever know. He had to continue on with a smile on his face and cheerful remark on his tongue, ignoring his aching wounds.

_He was watching, horrified, as Uther gasped one last time and finally lay still, as Arthur accused him furiously of killing the king; he was running through the crumbling temple, the precious egg clutched tightly in his arms, feeling the pain of the man lying inside, dying, _dead,_ but unable to go back to save him; he was strung up in Morgana's hut, panic bubbling in the pit of his stomach, as she hissed the very last words he wanted to hear, choking on his screams as the Fomorroh twisted itself into his very flesh; he was frozen, watching, as Morgana waited expectantly for Alator to reveal Emrys' identity, for her to turn to him with redoubled hate in her eyes, for the agony to start._

Arthur lived by the sword, and everyone knew it. His weapon was revered and acknowledged. Merlin had to hide his only weapon, and live with the constant fear of being discovered, of being called a traitor, of being executed. Merlin's magic was his light, his candle; without it, he'd have been lost long ago. It was the sharpest of swords to some, and it was a savior to others. It was greater than anyone could ever imagine. But he knew that if anyone found out…if Arthur, or Gwen, or the Knights found out about any tiny part of himself that he kept hidden, forever secret, it would change everything. The smallest spark would set off undying flames, burning away any friendship Merlin had with any of them.

_He was yelling at the knights to listen to him, to believe him about Lamia, falling painfully against the wall as Leon shoved him back, wondering if this was how it would be if his secret was ever discovered; he was rushing through the caves outside Ealdor, revealing his magic to Agravaine, watching distantly as Agravaine flew back against the rock, cracking his head, _dying_, and instead of satisfied, he felt _so_ sad; he was staring into the pool of water, icy terror gripping his heart, as he watched Mordred stride up to an injured Arthur and plunged a sword into his stomach, unable to tear away his gaze; he was inspecting the rock curiously, freezing in panic as he read the name 'Morgana', leaping up to warn them, warn _Arthur_, but flying back into the sharp pain that faded into darkness…_

Merlin had never wanted to be born with this destiny. He had never asked for magic; he had never gotten a choice. He had been chosen, without any say in the matter. He had learned this during those first few days, during his first meeting with the Great Dragon. He had defied the call of destiny at first. Later, he had accepted – he resigned himself to spending his life protecting a man who would never be more than a job needing doing. But as time passed, he seemed to forget the reason. He forgot about destiny, and started thinking more about who he was protecting. He started helping Arthur grow into a worthy Prince, and not because of destiny. Not really.

_What would _I_ know about battles, anyway?_

Why did he do it? Why did Merlin sacrifice everything – his friends, his family, his very _life_ – for this? To be put through endless misery and pain? Who was he living and dying for?

Magic.

Destiny.

Camelot.

Loyalty and friendship and promises…

Arthur.

_– lost in the endless jungle, determined to _never_ give up; watching with undying pride as Gwen stumbled into the lake, into Arthur's forgiving arms; promising to himself as he felt Finna die that he_ would_ end this –_

A destiny that would never die; a friend that would never turn on him. Merlin knew who he lived for, and he knew who he would die for. The Once and Future King. His best friend. Arthur.

"– _Merlin?_" Arthur's incredulous voice broke him out of his trance. Merlin glanced up at Arthur, eyebrows raised.

Arthur gaped at him with his brow wrinkled, what seemed to be his default expression when it came to Merlin. "You know, sometimes I _really_ wonder about you." Shaking his head, Arthur snatched his helmet from Merlin's grasp and clanked out of the room.

Merlin smiled to himself as he watched Arthur go.

_What would _I _know about battles, anyway?_

_More than you can ever know, Arthur._

**So! I REALLY enjoyed writing this. It just felt so perfect and sad and wonderful all at the same time. =D I hope you enjoyed reading this...and if you did OR didn't, please review? I JUST LOVE REVIEWS. xDXDxD**

**The next chapter (one-shot) will be posted...whenever I next hear an inspiring song! LOL No just kidding, I'm working on two (unrelated) one-shots currently. No idea when I'll post them though, so just sit tight. Also, it would be GREAT if you could tell me about songs you know that remind you of Merlin! I'm always on the lookout fopr great new songs. :D**

**Thanks for reading, and have a nice day! **

**~whatswiththemustache**


	2. A Thousand Years

**Hi there! Writing this one was a new experience for me – first romance story **_**ever**_**! *throws confetti* And boy, writing in an unusual genre for the first time came be nerve-wracking! Thanks so much to SwitzDandelion, who read this as a Beta and gave me some much-appreciated feedback! =D Thank you again! **

**Title****: A Thousand Years **

**Summary: **** Sometimes, memories are just too heavy to hold – sometimes we choose to just let them go. If your one true love can't remind you of who you are, then who can?**

**Rating****: T (this is just fluff, guys, with a few hugs and kisses. :D) **

**Genre****: General / Romance**

**Disclaimer****: You guessed it…I don't own Merlin. *tortured sigh* **

**Arthur's Note (within an Arthur's Note)****: According to me, Freya can't just pop over to her lake whenever Merlin needs her to throw a sword at him or whatnot; here she is actually forced to stay at the lake. Think of it this way – when somebody dies, they can choose to either leave the world of the living, moving on completely, or they could choose to stay behind for some purpose or another, linking themselves to a certain object (such as a lake). When somebody gets linked to an object in the living world, they have to keep close to their object tying them here until their purpose is fulfilled. Because Freya's purpose is to help Merlin, and because Merlin will (according to me) need Freya's help again when Arthur is reincarnated, Freya must remain in her lake. **

**BEFORE YOU READ****: Head over to youtube and listen to the song 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri as you read this! That's the song that inspired this fic, and is really an overwhelmingly beautiful song anyway…**

**Enjoy! :)**

Sometimes, a life lived long since seems just too far away. Sometimes all the good seems out of balance with all of the bad. Sometimes, even the strongest shoulders shake under the weight of worlds.

Sometimes, memories are just too heavy to hold – sometimes we choose to just let them go.

First, he'd planned and prepared – kept himself occupied with the prospect of a future need, another time when the world depended on him. He was patient, at first.

But the years grew longer and longer, emptier and emptier. His days were lonelier and more friendless than he'd ever thought possible. And then, he simply waited.

Outlasting time was a daunting task, but as the millennia behind him grew, it didn't seem quite as impossible – not as impossible, but even more terrifying than anything else.

Those empty years grew, and soon he realized that he had a choice.

The abyss of time before him whispered of his chance – _remember? Or forget?_ – and he closed his eyes, finally, when the choice was made.

The distant past could become unreachable, and all he had to do was choose to forget.

So he forgot.

* * *

In the dead of night, a silent lake rippled with the breath of a nonexistent wind. Tendrils of the surrounding trees dipped into the tranquil water, rustling noiselessly. The sky was clear, millions of stars glimmering in the distance. Moonlight immersed the lakeside scene in a soft glow, illuminating everything subtly.

A woman sat at the water's edge, her fingers brushing the lake's surface. She sighed – another brush of gentle breeze – as wide ripples emanated from the center of the otherwise motionless lake. _It's time_.

She had never had quite so great a destiny as others in her life had had, but her place was still immovable in the path of another's.

She knew he'd been waiting all these years, and so had she – though her life was long since over, her destiny was not.

The woman stood silently, her dress flowing around her in deep purple and blue waves. With the flick of one slender hand, she sent a trail of water droplets arcing through the air as if time itself were slowed – they spun in the moonlight, glimmering like jewels. The surface of the lake trembled at their touch, its reflection of the starry sky marred for a moment.

The Lady of the Lake smiled, a change in the air. _He's coming._

* * *

On a night nearly three months later, a full moon shining from high in the sky, the lake felt his coming presence. The lady stood by her shore, her eyes dancing in the moonlight. Her hands rose out before her, palms up, and she closed her eyes with a sigh of wind.

Tendrils of moonlit color swirled from her still figure, blossoming into the air above the water, touching every tree and rock at the water's edge. She smiled, her lashes brushing her cheeks, as the shore upon which she stood was filled with a warm light.

The wind brushed her unmoving form, bringing the touch of another – _him._

For a moment, she didn't move, her eyes still closed – another breath, but this time not wind.

She opened her eyes.

She was surrounded by light, warm and familiar. Millions of tiny sparks floated all around her – candles drifted gently on the water's surface, or were cradled carefully at the base of trees, on rocks, at the edge of the still water. The air was filled with thousands of individual glowing flames, hanging in the air above the lake, concentrating above the shore where she stood.

As breathtaking as the sight she'd created was, her eyes were drawn past the beautiful lake to its distant shore. There stood a lone figure, his face scantily lit by candlelight.

Her heart brimmed with hope as he walked slowly around the water's edge. His footsteps were quiet on the ground as he came up to her, hesitant.

_One step closer…_

He stopped just out of her reach, eyes wide. The silence was barely noticed by the Lady as she took the sight of him in, trying to soak in every detail. A thousand years wait was a long one.

Their eyes met, her love seeing his pain. She watched as his lips parted, breathing words in a voice she'd missed for so long. "I felt you…_call_ me."

She smiled, feeling her eyes fill with tears. Suddenly she found herself standing almost nose-to-nose with him. He lifted a hand to catch her tear, brushing her face. She shivered, closing her eyes. "I've missed you," she breathed.

Her eyes fluttered open, only to have her be overwhelmed by the sensation of falling into his own cerulean eyes, so close now. Time seemed to stand still as their lips met, and she fell into his arms, for so long the only place she could ever have felt truly safe.

When they parted, she grasped his hands in both of hers, standing tall. He seemed to sense her change, his eyes wary.

"Time has been hard on you," She said softly, squeezing his hand in hers. "The ages have given me another part in your destiny."

He frowned, shaking his head in confusion. "What…?"

She smiled. "To help you remember," she murmured, her gaze falling to their joined hands. "Why it's worth the wait."

He slumped slightly, his face crumpling. "I can't – it's too hard," he whispered, his head bowed in defeat. "I've waited _so long_…every day, thinking of what I _could_ have done – what I didn't do."

She bit her lip, brow furrowed, as her love shook his head miserably. He sighed heavily, meeting her gaze with pleading eyes. "I _know_ that it's my duty to wait – I _know_ I owe that to them. But…it's just so much easier to let it go. It's easier to forget."

She shook her head sadly, wishing his pain away. "You _don't_ owe it to them to suffer. No one can make the choice but you, because that's all it is – _your _decision. Not destiny, not your friends, not even I could ever – or _would_ ever – force you to do something you didn't want to. Only you have the right to decide what you should do. As the Lady of the Lake, I'm only here to tell you that." Taking a breath, she stepped closer to him gracefully.

"But…as _Freya, _the woman who loves you…I want you to know that I've waited, too. The memories of my past life aren't anywhere near as hard to bear as yours are, but I too have sacrificed much to wait for you…to stay here rather than journey onwards."

Throughout her speech, he'd straightened, and now he made an anguished sound, looking her up and down. "What? _Why_…I didn't know you had a choice! Why did you stay?"

She smiled tenderly, tilting her head slightly. "Because I love you," she said simply. "I have loved you for a thousand years… and I'd love you for a thousand more."

Tears running down his face, he pulled her to him, tight in an embrace. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "But why – if you're waiting for me, why can't I just…stay here? Your wait would be over."

She pulled away from him, shaking her head. "If you stay here too long, the part of you that is mortal will be gone. You would die."

"I'd be with you," he countered, smiling gently. "There's nothing left for me here."

The smile faded from her face as her expression turned remorseful. "Now, there is nothing but endless waiting. But one day, your destiny will need completion. The world will need you…and most of all, Arthur will."

He frowned, shaking his head desperately. "But…when? I can't wait forever – he won't want me, Arthur –" he flinched slightly at the name "– Arthur _killed _you!"

She lifted her shoulders slightly, her hair fluttering delicately. "He is the Once and Future King," she said quietly, sighing. "He has had many faults in his past, but with your help, he grew from an arrogant prince into a great king. He will need you again."

He shook his head slowly, shoulders slumping in defeat. For a moment a silence fell between them, short but heavy with expectation.

Finally he looked up, meeting her eye. "I have to wait for him," he said slowly, contemplating his words. "But...you don't have to wait for me." It was more a question than a statement.

She responded by stepping in to kiss him gently, pulling away all too soon. "But I will," she said.

He nodded reluctantly, watching as she took a step back. At his questioning look, she sighed sadly. "You can't stay any longer," she said regretfully, dipping her head. "I can only remain in this form for so long. I need to return to the lake."

His startled look was replaced by heartbreaking sorrow as he fell back another step. She turned, her gown dragging silently on the ground, and walked between the glowing candles to the water's edge. There she twisted around to send one last smile to her love. "Merlin," she called, the warmth evident in her voice. "I'll be waiting for you."

He hesitated for a moment before replying. "I'll remember."

As she stepped noiselessly into the dark water, the candles that surrounded Merlin on the shore flickered in an abrupt gust of wind. Freya's form dissolved into moonlight with a final breath of cold breeze just as lakeside scene fell into darkness, all traces of the warm candlelight gone.

Merlin sank down to the ground, watching the lake rest in the night. Only hours later, when the sky was just beginning to light up with the color of dawn, did he finally stand, walking slowly away into the trees. Head bowed in resignation, he didn't look back.

Remaining behind was just the lake, silent as ever, and its lonely shore, disturbed only by dozens of unlit candles, left cold and hardened by time.

* * *

**_Aaaand _****– the curtain falls! :D So, what did you think? Have I proved myself as a worthy writer in the romance genre? (Or at least as a provider of tons of cheesy fluff?) LOL Please tell me what you think! Feedback is always appreciated. :) Also, tell me about songs that you love which remind you of Merlin…or that you simply love! I'm always looking for more great songs to add to my playlist ;) **

**Thanks for reading! ~whatswiththemustache**


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